Just One Bite
by Artdirector123
Summary: based on tumblr user phantasus's conquerors of shamble au where instead of being a giant dragon, envy ends up in the human world as tiny snake like version of said dragon form and Ed and Alfons keep him as a pet to keep him out of trouble. Envy was sick of the same food they gave him everyday, so he decided to sneak into the kitchen and see what he could find.


Envy sat huddled in the corner under the buffet table, watching the kitchen door carefully amid the dust bunnies. He hated having to sit here for so long but he had no other options if he were to get what he wanted. Ever since that damned pipsqueak found him three months ago head been living on nothing but crickets (which were surprisingly tasty) and meal worms(not so much) and he was sick of it. He was sick of being treated as some lowly pet. He was a homunculus, damnit! He deserved REAL food! And that's why he was now sitting here, waiting to steal something for his dinner.

All of a sudden, he heard footsteps exiting the kitchen. "It'll be about ten more minutes before the rolls are done," Ed's voice called as he headed into the living room.

Envy grinned. Jackpot! He quickly slithered to the open door and inside the now vacant kitchen. He flicked his tongue in the air, quickly picking up the smell of chicken. If he were in a human form his mouth would have started watering. He quickly slipped over to the counter next to the stove and began climbing up, weaving around the drawer handles to do so.

Once he reached the top, Envy spotted the two plates set out on the counter, filled with green beans, baked potato slices, and most importantly, a large chicken leg on either plate. Envy slithered over to the plate he knew would be Ed's, chuckling darkly. It had be so long since he'd had any, and knowing even taking one bite out of it would ruin the pipsqueak's meal for him made it all the better. He eyed the chicken leg hungrily before springing forward and sinking his teeth into the tender dark meat.

HOT. HOTHOTHOT. BURNING. HOT. HOT. HOOOOOOOT!

"GAAAAAAAAH!" Envy hissed as he tore himself away from the chicken and coiled up far away from it, glaring at it in betrayal and he left his mouth open to nurse his poor, burnt tongue. The feather like hairs that went down the length of his back puffed, and he fluttered his fins the best he could towards his face (futile endeavor as they were too small to even come close). Damnit, why did he decide to enter into this world in a form without arms…. He knew the chicken would be fresh but he hadn't realized it would have been straight from the oven…

He didn't have time to pity himself as he could hear feet pounding towards the kitchen. "ENVY?! WHAT THE HELL!" Ed cried. Envy mentally sighed. Great, now to add insult to injury, the brat discovered him. He glared at the former alchemist unapologetically as he picked him up and held him at eye level. "That was my dinner, you asshole reptile! It took me an hour to make all this! Now what am I going to do?" he snapped, "You don't see me eating your food."

"That's because you wouldn't lower yourself enough to eat crickets," Envy retorted. His eyes then widened as he notice Ed's eyes shift slightly and the snake homunculus grinned in amusement. "Wait are you telling me you actually stooped so low as to willingly eat bugs off the ground?" he laughed, "Jeez pipsqueak, just how pathetic are you?"

Edward growled. "Shut up! I was abandoned on an island for a month to survive in the wild," he defended.

"Yeah, great survival skills there if you had to resort to eating bugs…" Envy responded, rolling his eyes, "You're a natural."

"WHY YOU LITTLE-"

"Edward? What's going on, is something wrong?" Alfons called from the dining room before walking in.

"Yeah there's something wrong! This little pest was trying to ruin my dinner!" Ed answered, gesturing to the snake in his other hand.

"Guilty as charged!" Envy said, smiling smugly.

"Did he succeed?" the calmer of the two blonds asked.

"See for yourself," Edward griped as he pointed towards the chicken with a small bite taken out of it. "Now I can't eat it because he got his stupid snake germs all over it," he complained.

"I'm cleaner than you, you filthy human," Envy snapped, "At least I don't smell like sweat and smog all the time!"

"Shut up!" Ed snapped.

"Look, Ed calm down," Alfons said, holding his hands up and trying to defuse the short amestrian, "If it makes you feel better, you can have my chicken instead. I'll just have more dinner rolls."

"...Fine," Ed sighed.

"Now…" Alfons said, turning to snake homunculus, "Why did you do this? You know it could have only ended bad for you."

Edward rolled his eyes and responded before Envy could. "I've told you a thousand times, He's literally evil," he responded, "And he hates me. He's getting a kick out of making my life miserable."

"I am not!" Envy responded, "...well not entirely. It's about half and half really. Half of it was wanting to mess with the pipsqueak and the other half was because I want some real food for once."

Ed raised an eyebrow. "I thought you liked crickets," he said.

"I'm having to eat the same thing every day! I'm sick of it!" he snapped, "And it's pet food! It's so demeaning! I want real food, like you two. It's not fair!"

"It's totally fair! You act like a rotten snake your whole life, you get treated like one!" Ed responded.

"Hmm…" Alfons said, rubbing his chin, "Maybe we could switch up his diet a little bit. I mean, even an animal would get sick of having the same thing every day…"

"What?!" Ed snapped while envy smirked.

Alfons picked up the drumstick envy bit into. "I mean, he isn't a normal animal and he was in a human form for a time. He can probably stomach chicken and beef from time to time," he responded, causing Ed's jaw to drop and Envy's smirk to grow wider.

"Please tell me you're kidding…" Ed responded, a very serious look on his face.

"What's the harm?" Alfons responded, "If it'll keep him from sneaking out again, what's wrong with treating him to a little chicken now and then when he's been good?"

"So you're just going to give that to him after he ruined it?!" Ed snapped, gesturing to the drumstick in his hand.

Alfons raised an eyebrow as he reached for the cabinet to pull something out. "Well you're not going to eat it and I'm not either, and there's no point in wasting good meat,"Alfons argued.

Envy smiled smugly while Ed's eye twitched and his mouth opened and closed wordlessly as he could not even comprehend what was going on. "I cannot BELIEVE you!" Ed shouted, "How can you be so nice to him?! Disregarding that he's pure evil and would probably kill both of us if he was large enough, within the last hour alone, he snuck out of his cage, tried to steal from us, ruined my dinner, insulted me to my-wait what are you doing?"

Alfons looked up from where he was wrapping the chicken in tin foil. "Putting the chicken away, duh," the man responded simply.

"Hey!" Envy cried, "I thought you were going to give it to me?"

Alfons turned to him and crossed his arms. "I said I'd treat you to it when you'd been good," he stated, "And today you've been down right rotten. There's no way you deserve a treat!"

Now it was Envy's turn for his mouth to fall open while Ed smirked. His mouth opened and closed as he tried to protest while Alfons went to put it in the ice box. He growled, gritting his teeth and glaring at the german. "Stupid human!" He shouted, wriggling in Ed's hand, "I demand you give me that chicken right now! It's mine, damn it!"

Alfons faked tutted while shaking his head. "Throwing a fit and insulting me now are we?"he said, "I guess you won't be having any tomorrow for breakfast either."

Envy gave him a sour look and grumbled as he exited the room while Edward laughed. "Shut up pipsqueak," he growled.

"Don't worry, you'll get a dinner you deserve, and it won't be crickets," Edward responded, "How about a nice bowl of grasshoppers?"

"I hate you both."

 **hope you guys like this! let me know what you think!**


End file.
